Review for Monster Energy--Zero Ultra

CAFFEINE CONTENT

140 mg

EASE IN ACQUISITION—10

Virtually ubiquitous.

APPEARANCE/PRESENTATION—10

If you’re into reading spiels on the sides of energy drinks, you’ll know that 1) Monster has some of the worst writers on the planet working for them, and 2) Zero Ultra is kinda sorta geared towards female Monster Energy drinkers.  But after giving Zero Ultra a good looking over, I’m not only ready to say, “screw pink—this is how you do the packaging on chick energy drinks!” but “frick, this is how you do the packaging on any energy drink!”

I’d be hard-pressed to think of anything energy-inducing/sustaining that looks so dang sophisticated; it honestly looks like they put out a white can and sent it to Smith and Wesson for some engraving.  The frosty white, the silver paisley and M are sharp enough to fit right into any formal occasion—and it also looks nice if you’re just pounding it down at your desk in khakis and a button-up shirt studying for an organic chemistry test.

If you’re into that sort of thing, it also looks nice to have an unopened can or two on your desk.  Just remember to ice it over before you drink it.

TASTE—10

Reading over the story of how Monster Energy came up with the idea for Zero Ultra, I’ll admit—I started to think I was going to get yet another tiresome take on the original Monster flavor.  I was all pumped and ready to launch a multiparagraph rant that could be paraphrased as “how many freaking times to we need to freaking taste the same freaking thing over and freaking over again, but tweaked just a hair?!”  Then, popping open the can, I realized that it wasn’t going to be anything like that.  Not by a long shot.

Monster Energy—Zero Ultra doesn’t taste anything like the original—or Lo-Carb, or Absolutely Zero, or Assault, or Import, or Import Light, or Übermonster or M3, blah blah blah blah blah.  Zero Ultra is very much its own drink, that tastes (in my book) more than anything else like an extremely mellow lemon/mixed citrus flavor with perphaps a hint of blue raspberry thrown in there—almost like Xyience Xtreme Frostberry Blast, except perhaps more subdued and a bit smoother.

I really liked this energy drink, enough that I’ll be coming back to it often.

KICK (INTENSITY)—7

I admit that I don’t get the downing of the caffeine content here—I mean, it’s only 20 mg, but still, it makes a difference.  Ideally, a Monster Energy drink should really wake me up, just enough to call myself wired—this is what I love about the Rehab line.  Here—you’re just awake.  Not really jittery, not bouncing off the walls—just awake and functional.  Fortunately, downing two cans at once isn’t a chore and has since become my preferred method of indulging my Zero Ultra cravings, but for people who consume these regularly the extra cost for the boost might be a bit much.

KICK (DURATION)—7

Three hours with one can and five with two, no real crash.  Definitely drink two before any college-level exam.

THE DRINK OVERALL—8

When I first had this drink I thought it was good, but not really enough to be considered earth-shaking.  Monster Energy—Zero Ultra has since proved me wrong, and I’m happy to recommend one of my favorite Monster beverages to date for consumption.  As always, leave your thoughts in the comments below.

WEBSITE: monsterenergy.com

KEYWORDS: Monster Zero Ultra energy drink review, female energy drink, zero carbs, zero calories, zero sugar, diet

Review for Monster Energy--Cuba Lima

I may have expanded my repertoire to include shots and other such energy products, but when it comes to caffeine, I’m always going to be an energy drink reviewer before anything else.  I freaking love reviewing energy drinks—I love tasting them, I love feeling their effects, I love posting reviews on new energy drinks.  The shots and what not I don’t feel quite as enthused about—it’s more of a duty than anything else.

Anyway, if you want to understand my partiality, pick up a Monster Energy—Cuba Lima.  It’s finding little gems like this that make energy drinking/reviewing worthwhile.  You know the experience has been a good one when you slam the empty can down on your desk and think, “Man…I freaking love energy drinks!”

That said, on with the review….

CAFFEINE CONTENT

160 mg

EASE IN ACQUISITION—2

For the moment very uncommon, but look forward to a more widespread availability soon enough.

APPEARANCE/PRESENTATION—8

At first sight, this is pretty standard fare for Monster—black M with a green outline, and a strange little graphic of a lime in the bottom-right corner.  Picking it up, though, you find that Monster’s done something a bit different in adding texturing to the can—in other words, it’s got little bumps all over it to help give it a better grip.  Got mixed feelings on that (feels a bit strange), but at least I was never worried I was going to drop it.

TASTE—10

This is where Cuba Lima shines.  I love Cuba Lima for the same reasons I loved Heavy Metal (for those of you who hated Heavy Metal—fear not; they taste NOTHING alike)—because it’s so dang different from everything else I’ve had.  So what does it taste like?  Mostly like lime with some salt and a splash of coke—yeah, kind of weird, but believe it or not, it tastes fantastic.  It might not be quite enough to trump my love for Rehab—Lemonade, Orangeade and Rojo Tea and establish itself as the best beverage Monster currently produces…but it’s dang close.

KICK (INTENSITY)—8

Reminds me a good deal of Lo-Carb—high end of average.  Enough to really enjoy, and more than enough to validate returning to the deliciousness that is the flavor of Cuba Lima time and time again.

KICK (DURATION)—8

Solid 3 hours, 45 minutes or so, without a crash to speak of.

THE DRINK OVERALL—8.67

Loved Cuba Lima, and certainly encourage the reader to give it a shot once it becomes available.  Enough said.

WEBSITE: monsterenergy.com

KEYWORDS: Monster Cuba Lima energy drink review, new Monster beverage, Cuba Libre

Review for 5 Hour Energy--Grape

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CAFFEINE CONTENT

138 mg

EASE IN ACQUISITION—10

As common as any (with the exception of Pink Lemonade and Decaf) 5 Hour Energy product, or dirt, or air, or anything of the sort.

APPEARANCE/PRESENTATION—7

Always love the runner sprinting up mountains at sunset while being chased by the flavor-of-choice for the shot—how can you not love the idea of a shot that delivers sufficient power to flee from giant mutant fruits through awesomely picturesque scenery?  Answer is this—you can’t, but…it’s easy to dismiss the shrink wrap.

TASTE—4

Not all that much better than the extra strength version, frankly…maybe less bitter, but it’s still just thin, caffeinated grape Triaminic.

KICK (INTENSITY)—7

It’s really a shame that the tastes of these 5 Hour shots are so shoddy, because I really love the way they kick.  It’s not the jittery, ostentatiously jacked-up sort of buzz you get out of a lot of products; it’s more of a moderate, mid-range sort of boost that makes you feel almost like you’re awake under your own steam.  I would love to get a kick like this on a regular basis—but in something that tastes good.

KICK (DURATION)—10

True to the name—five hours, no crash.

THE SHOT OVERALL—7

Same story as all the 5 Hour Energy shots—nice kick, but a taste that’s at best unpleasant.  Decide for yourself if it’s worth it.

WEBSITE: 5hourenergy.com

KEYWORDS: 5 Hour Energy Grape review, energy shot review, diet, sugar free, zero carb, zero calorie, zero sugar

Review for 5 Hour Energy Decaf

CAFFEINE CONTENT

6 mg (yeah, you read that right…)

EASE IN ACQUISITION—4

Not nearly as common as the other 5 Hour Energy shots.  Maybe because most retailers don’t see the logic in selling energy-free energy shot.

APPEARANCE/PRESENTATION—6

I really like the packaging on most of the 5 Hour shots, but this one falls a bit flat.  I like the idea of the 5 Hour runner over a daylight scene, but all-in-all, it just looks generic. 

TASTE—5

When I was in Guatemala, I came down with a nasty sore throat.  At the pharmacy, I was given a few packets of some stuff called VitaPyrena—which was basically just a dose of acetamenophen mixed in with some citrus-flavored powder.  5 Hour Energy Decaf reminded me a lot of VitaPyrena—medicinal-tasting and badly sweetened.  Not by any means pleasant.

KICK (INTENSITY)—0

If I take anything away from my experience with 5 Hour Energy Decaf, it’s this—B vitamins (the sole components of this drink’s “energy” blend) do not supply energy.  This shot delivers no kick whatsoever, just light years more B vitamins that you can ever hope to use and to be excreted con prisa by your kidneys—so in the end, all you get from your purchase is some seriously yellow, nutrient-rich urine.  Anybody out there willing to fork out $2.75 for that?

KICK (DURATION)—0

Do I really need to say anything in this section?

THE SHOT OVERALL—1.67

5 Hour Energy Decaf is hands down the worst value energy product I have ever reviewed.  It tastes bad and doesn’t give you energy—so why bother?  The answer: no reason to.  Avoid this one at all costs.

WEBSITE: 5hourenergy.com

KEYWORDS: 5 Hour Energy Decaf shot review, sugar free, diet, zero carb, blah blah blah blah blah

Review for 5 Hour Energy Extra Strength--Grape

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CAFFEINE CONTENT

207 mg

EASE IN ACQUISITION—10

Omnipresent.

APPEARANCE/PRESENTATION—6.5

I’ve mentioned before that I appreciate the runner featured on 5 Hour Energy shots.  I love running, and I love the idea of energy products that will facilitate running.  The purple, however, is an odd choice—yeah, I know it’s grape and all, but an opalescent purple sunset?  Maybe he’s running at the Mountains of Madness.

TASTE—4

If you don’t mind drinking 2 oz. of badly sweetened purple Triaminic, you shouldn’t mind this at all.  I personally don’t think I’ll be revisiting it, but I have to admit—it’s better than the berry version.

KICK (INTENSITY)—9

Kick’s pretty formidable, but at the same time, almost completely jitter-free—I’m almost inclined to refer to it as “distilled intensity” to the idea across.

KICK (DURATION)—10

Five hours, very little crash.

THE SHOT OVERALL—7.67

I love the kick this shot delivers, but I’m really not wild about the taste.  Still…next to the berry version, it tastes alright.  But then again, almost anything next to the berry version tastes good, so if you don’t mind really medicinal-tasting grape shots, this is probably right up your alley.

WEBSITE: 5hourenergy.com

KEYWORDS: 5 Hour Energy Extra Strength Grape review, diet, zero sugar, zero calories, zero carbs

Review for 5 Hour Energy--Berry

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CAFFEINE CONTENT

138 mg

EASE IN ACQUISITION—10

Ubiquitous.

APPEARANCE/PRESENTATION—7

I made mention of the appeal that 5 Hour Energy’s packaging held in my review of the extra strength version of this particular shot.  I love running (especially during sunset), so naturally seeing a runner on this bottle elicited a positive response from me—I felt that this was exactly the sort of thing I would need to sprint from mountaintop to mountaintop while being chased by what Yog-Sothoth would look like if he were composed of gigantic berries.  On the downside, the label is shrink-wrapped on—and I hate shrink-wrap.  Nothing screams “CHEAP!” quite like shrink-wrap, and if I’m going to pay $2.75 for a product, I don’t particularly want it to look cheap.

TASTE—3

After my experience with the extra-strength version of this original 5-Hour Energy flavor, I was less than excited to try the not-extra-strength version.  Turns out it’s still bad—but on the plus side, it’s not nearly as bad as the supercharged one.  It’s still got the acrid sourness and the gross sweetness, but the bitterness that really hammered my gut in the extra strength version was absent, replaced by—berry flavor.  Sure, the taste was fake and chemical-y, but it was still one great big step up from what I had previously.

KICK (INTENSITY)—7

My guess is that the absence of bitterness came from the lesser dose of energy ingredients in this one.  Kick’s about average—I was reasonably awake and alert, but that’s about all I can say about it.

KICK (DURATION)—10

Notwithstanding the somewhat muted nature of the kick, it still lasted a good five hours—as it says on the bottle.  If it had crapped out on me after two, I’d be kind of grumpy.  But five hours of fairly consistent awakedness—I can actually respect that.

THE SHOT OVERALL—6.67

Tastes bad, but the kick’s pretty solid.  I’m actually quite anxious to get to the other shots of the line and see what they have to offer.  If they can actually manage to make it taste good, I think I feel pretty confident saying that they’ll have a winner on their hands.

WEBSITE: 5hourenergy.com

KEYWORDS: 5 Hour Energy shot review, 5 Hour Energy berry review, sugar free, zero calorie, zero carb, diet

Review for NeuroPassion

CAFFEINE CONTENT

Low.

EASE IN ACQUISITION—4

Occasionally hit, mostly miss.  I remember seeing this in a lot more about six months back than I do nowadays.  My guess is that the entire line might go the way of Big Lots within the next little bit.

APPEARANCE/PRESENTATION—7

In general, NeuroPassion doesn’t look half-bad.  I like the general simplicity of it, and I like the fact that the bottle looks like something that Marty from the Back to the Future trilogy will be drinking in three years.  What I don’t like is that very little indication is given that this is supposed to be the company’s energy-supplying drink—the only way I could tell was by reading the back, which states that the drink provides “sustained energy—improved performance—increased drive and stamina—enhanced cognitive function.”  If you’re putting out a drink that does all these things, why wouldn’t you 1) make it at least look the part, or 2) at least state it somewhere where the layman is going to take notice?

TASTE—6

NeuroPassion is…interesting.  That’s really all I can come up with, and I don’t know that it’s a good thing in this case.  If I had to describe it, I would call it a very sweet fruit homogeny with a very strange bite provided by the carbonation.  I didn’t find it terribly good or particularly life changing, though, so its unique flavor is kind of moot.

KICK (INTENSITY)—2

As far as delivering “sustained energy, improved performance, increased drive and stamina, enhanced cognitive function,” NeuroPassion falls pretty flat—definitely within the bottom 5 in terms of efficacy.  All you get is a little pep—which you could get by drinking something tasty, like Dr. Pepper.

KICK (DURATION)—2

Effects come and go in less than an hour.

THE DRINK OVERALL—3.34

Nothing to see/taste/experience here.  Move on.

WEBSITE: drinkneuro.com

KEYWORDS: NeuroPassion energy drink review, low calorie, functional beverage

Review for 5 Hour Energy Extra Strength--Berry

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Recently, I began reviewing energy shots.  My first shot experience (Monster Hitman) left me feeling singularly underwhelmed, but it instilled within me a resolve to find a truly great energy shot—one that would confirm to me that my decision to review shots would be worth it.  Seeing as 5 Hour Energy is considered the “original,” I figured it would be a good next stop in my search.

CAFFEINE CONTENT

207 mg

EASE IN ACQUISITION—10

You can get this and most other 5 Hour Energy shots most anywhere you look.

APPEARANCE/PRESENTATION—7

The look of the shot itself is intriguing—I’m a runner, and I quite like the idea of an energy product that will help me bound over mountains during sunset.  That aside, I also hate shrink wrap—so I have a love-hate kind of thing going on with this bottle.

TASTE—.5

I’ve been told that the original (i.e. berry) 5 Hour Energy is kind of the Red Bull of shots—it’s the one that everyone copies so as to get a piece of 5 Hour Energy’s demographic.  This is something I have a hard time believing, as I can’t for the life of me fathom why anyone would want to regularly drink this swill.

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve had something so badly executed.  There is absolutely nothing about this shot that actually works.  Let’s go over it bit-by-bit, so you get the idea.  First is the flavor itself—you can’t actually taste the alleged berry flavor.  There is a sickening sourness that that dominates from the start, and overwhelms any nuance of berry that might be in there.  Second is the aftertaste—it is really horrifically bitter.  I understand that it’s probably harder to mask the taste of the energy components in something this small, but if Monster can do it, so can 5 Hour Energy.  Lastly is the sweetener blend—it’s really bad.  It’s not even a good kind of sweet that would provide some respite from the rest of the experience; it just adds its own brand of terrible to the mix.

I reviewed 250+ energy drinks before adding shots to the repertoire, and let me tell you—I’ve had bad 16 oz. energy drinks that were easier to get down than 2 ounces of this stuff.  I kept taking small swigs, then holding it in there, because I couldn’t decide what was worse—swallowing it and thus putting it into my body, or perpetually tasting it.  As though all that wasn’t enough, once I finally decided to do the former, the stuff hit my stomach like a sledgehammer—two hours later and still in the throes of the shot's effects (see the next two sections), and I still have indigestion.

The only thing good I can say about the flavor is that it does not sink to the fiendish depths of the 12 oz. Rockstar 2X.  But when that’s all that can be said in favor of your shot, you really need to rethink what you’re doing with your life.

KICK (INTENSITY)—9

You want energy?  This will at least give you energy—assuming you can manage to choke it down.  I’d call the boost substantial, though jitter-free.

KICK (DURATION)—10

Lives up to its name—five hours with a light to moderate crash.

THE SHOT OVERALL—6.5

Does it work?  Yes.  Is if worth it?  Not by a long shot (rimshot).  5 Hour Energy Extra Strength—Berry is some seriously nasty stuff.  Spare yourself—get your energy through something drinkable.

WEBSITE: 5hourenergy.com

KEYWORDS: 5 Hour Energy Extra Strength Berry review, 5 Hour Energy shot review, zero calorie, zero carb

Review for Monster Hitman Energy Shooter

Recently, I did something that for me was wholly unprecedented.  It was something that I never thought in a million years that I would see myself do, something so out of character that I still question as to whether I actually did it.

I bought and tried out this energy shot.

Now, for most people, picking up an energy shot are nothing out of the ordinary.  But for the longest time I was vehemently opposed to drinking/reviewing energy shots in any form, just because I found the very idea of them to be so terminally boring.  That all came to an end after my recent Big Lots excursion, in which the look of Monster Hitman so intrigued me that I caved.  As a result, from this time henceforth I am expanding my reviews to include energy shots, as well as other nifty energy products (you can thank Perky Jerky for that).  For the sake of those looking for one thing or the other, I’m keeping the lists of shots, drinks, etc. separate.

Anyway, enough fluff.  Let’s see if Monster Hitman lives up to its appearance….

CAFFEINE CONTENT

160 mg?

EASE IN ACQUISITION—1

Easy if you live near Big Lots, at least for the time being.  Plan on never seeing them again once they’re out.

APPEARANCE/PRESENTATION—8

Nifty enough that it broke down my resistance and got me to buy it.  The bottle itself is black, three ounces (vs. the usual two), and has a label that is actually covalently adhered to the bottle itself—vs. shrink-wrapped around.

TASTE—7

The taste is about what you would expect if you were to drink three ounces of blue raspberry Otter Pop juice at room temperature—whether or not that appeals to you is strictly subjective.  Even if I found it to be palpable, it still was rather anticlimactic after getting all psyched up over the packaging.

KICK (INTENSITY)—7

Very, very, very average—kind of like what you would get if you drank a normal 16 oz. Monster.  Woke me up alright, but I wasn’t by any means jittery or even especially productive.

KICK (DURATION)—7

I got about three hours without a crash.

THE SHOT OVERALL—7

At the end of my first energy shot experience, I feel singularly underwhelmed.  Everything about the experience is so ordinary—nothing worthy of note at all.  But if what I described appeals to you, now’s the time to buy these up—afterwards, they’ll be gone for good.

Under normal circumstances, I would just dismiss energy shots as a waste of time and move on.  But, strangely enough, I only feel more resolute in my decision to review them—I will find a great shot if it takes years!

WEBSITE: monsterenergy.com

KEYWORDS: Monster Hitman energy shot review, Energy Shooter, discontinued