Review for Slap Crisp Apple

CAFFEINE CONTENT

200 mg

EASE IN ACQUISITION—7

This one’s a little more hit-and-miss than the others—as with both Slap Frost beverages, Wal-Mart is the place to go if you’d like to get your hands on Slap Crisp Apple, though it’s a little more hit-and-miss than the rest—it’s found at a lot of Wal-Mart stores, but not all of them, and even then, it’s not always there when you look.  Makes it kind of a pain unless you live in a town with more than one.

APPEARANCE/PRESENTATION—7.5

You get the same look as the others—box with the word SLAP written therein, aluminum stripe between black stripes—except the box is a nice vivid green and there are some interesting art-ish dark grey illustrations of sorts scratched within the boarders of the black stripes.  Not bad, but nothing to write home about, either.

TASTE—8

Opening the can, I smell green apple—and tasting it, I don’t taste it at all.  It’s got that same indistinct earthy fruitiness that Monster Rehab—Green Tea possesses (which I’m guessing is the green tea).  Why you’d make an apple drink that doesn’t have an apple taste is quite beyond me, but in any case, it still tastes good—just don’t go for this if you’re an apple fanatic, it may drive you to bloodlust.

KICK (INTENSITY)—9

Slap energy drinks have never let me down in terms of the kick, and Slap Crisp Apple is no exception.  This is not a waste-your-time-getting-started sort of drink—this is something you can count on for fast, intense energy—not the really jittery kind, just the wake-you-right-up-like-a-bucket-of-ice-water-or-an-explosion-nearby-except-vastly-more-pleasant kind.  It just works so nicely.

KICK (DURATION)—10

This’ll give you 5+ hours of effective energy, after which I did experience sort of a crash—or maybe that was just the night before catching up with me.  Either way, it was excellent while it lasted.

THE DRINK OVERALL—9

For 99 cents, there is no reason why you shouldn’t forego your regular Monster or whatever and give Slap Crisp Apple a shot, at least once so as to decide what you think.  It tastes better and kicks better than hosts of other less stellar drinks on the market, and does so at a price that won’t break the bank (Red Bull drinkers take note).  Great company, great drink, great price…what more can you ask for?

WEBSITE: slapenergy.com

KEYWORDS: Slap Crisp Apple energy drink review, bargain energy drink, green tea energy

Review for Whoopass Zero

CAFFEINE CONTENT

200 mg

EASE IN ACQUISITION—2

Same as the original—which is to say, far less common than one would expect, given how dang popular Jones Sodas are.  Best chances are to buy a case online.

APPEARANCE/PRESENTATION—9

A number of sugar-free energy drinks tend to come with some pretty bland packaging (see Amp Energy—Sugar Free and Amp Energy—Lightning Sugar Free), and actually lead me to feel a certain degree of apprehension as pertaining to the whole experience—bland packaging typically conjures thoughts of bland flavor, which I find terrifying.  Not so with Whoopass Zero—in white (as in this case) or black (as in the case of the original), Whoopass has got a nice, hardcore image going for it.

TASTE—8

I’ve had a number of sugar-free/low carb/whatever drinks that nail the flavor of the original pretty well—take Rockstar and Monster for instance—but I’ve never one that mimics it so completely as does Whoopass Zero.  It is indistinguishable from the original—put ‘em in a double-blind test and I have serious doubts that I’d be able to tell the difference.   There are no artificial sweetener aftertastes to deal with, no lightness of flavor, nothing—just the same red sour apple/cherry goodness as the original (still got that strange apple bitterness).  If you’re counting your calories, by all means get Whoopass Sugar Free—you won’t for a second feel like you’re paying for your (semi) health conscious propensities.

KICK (INTENSITY)—9

In this respect, Whoopass Zero is almost indistinguishable from the original—but not quite.  It’s by no means less effective, far from it—it’s just that the energy boost seems to be more dedicated to waking you up than it is to making you jittery.  Same energy level, just a different manifestation.

KICK (DURATION)—9

You’ll get the same four hours or so of energy before you experience the same crash as with the original—which isn’t the most horrible I’ve experienced (that goes to Wired X 344), but still noteworthy.

THE DRINK OVERALL—8.67

Like Whoopass?  You’ll like Whoopass Zero.  Like Jones Sodas?  You’ll like Whoopass Zero.  Like energy drinks?  You’ll like…alright, I’m going to shut up before I get too carried away.  All you really need to know is that this is one heck of a sugar free energy drink—freak, it’s one heck of an energy drink in general.  Whatever your reasoning, whether you like energy drinks, like Jones Sodas, liked the original, you should definitely give this one a go.

WEBSITE: jonessoda.com/drinkwhoopass

KEYWORDS: Whoopass Zero energy drink review, sugar free, zero calorie, zero sugar, Jones Soda

Review for Whoopass

CAFFEINE CONTENT

200 mg

EASE IN ACQUISITION—2

Given the devoted (almost cultic) clientele that the Jones Soda Company has, I would think that Whoopass could be found in more locations—say, everywhere Jones sodas are sold—than it actually is.  Not so—coming by it is actually quite a challenge.  If you’re a Jones fanatic or are particularly desperate to get your hands on it, I’d get online and buy a case.

APPEARANCE/PRESENTATION—9

The Whoopass can reminds me of the Spike Hardcore Energy can in that it says quite a bit without actually saying much at all—it’s not particularly flashy or ostentatious (simply a black can with an iron cross with the name of the drink written within), but just by that, you get the impression that this is a drink that this means serious business.  Now that I’ve got that impression in my mind, let’s see if Whoopass delivers….

TASTE—8

Whoopass is definitely unique—which is gratifying; I’d have been really pissed if the Jones Soda Company had put out an energy drink that turned out to be a Red Bull clone…it just wouldn’t have jived with the whole Jones Soda principle.  The taste was that of a sour red apple, but with a hint of cherry—at least that’s what I got out of it.  I actually fairly enjoyed the effect; my only complaint was a hint of bitterness that actually tasted that it came from that apple flavor rather than the caffeine and other energy ingredients.  Anyway, it was enough to dock half a point or so, but not enough that I am unable to say that this is a drink to please Jones Soda fanatics and energy drinkers alike—because it most definitely is.

KICK (INTENSITY)—9

This is an intense drink—it really does meet the expectations that the packaging sets.  It hits quick and it hits hard, delivering exceptional alertness and enough jitters to please just about anyone.

KICK (DURATION)—9

What Whoopass dishes out lasted a good while—four hours, give or take 15 minutes.  The one thing I hold against it is the crash afterwards—it’s big, like somebody’s whooped your…well, you know.

THE DRINK OVERALL—8.67

Just as Jones cranks out a dang good soda, they’ve cranked out a dang good energy drink.  I like the taste, I like the kick, and the only bad thing I have to say about it is that you crash pretty hard after the fact.  Don’t let that deter you, though—follow the slogan  and open a can as soon as you can get your hands on one!

WEBSITE: jonessoda.com/drinkwhoopass

KEYWORDS: Whoopass energy drink review, catechins, polyphenols, open a can, Jones Soda

Review for Rip It--A'tomic Pom

CAFFEINE CONTENT

200 mg

EASE IN ACQUISITION—7

Rip It A’tomic Pom isn’t found at every bargain/dollar store that the original is, but isn’t by any means uncommon—more a matter of making a stop at a second store than active hunting.

APPEARANCE/PRESENTATION—7

I still can’t say I’m wowed by the overall layout, but the extensive use of dark red leads A’tomic Pom to be far less bland the can of Rip It—Power.  I do have one complaint, which if I don’t address here I won’t be able to—the apostrophe in A’tomic Pom—why is it there?  ‘Atomic Pom’ works just fine, why not just leave it at that?  I don’t mean to nitpick, neither do I mean to unnecessarily draw out the ‘appearance/presentation’ section, but there’s no ‘grammar’ section in my review, and this really bugs me—it just looks ridiculous.

TASTE—7

Pomegranate is one of those tastes that’s really tough to nail—any attempt at it will typically either tank or excel, with very little room in between.  A’tomic Pom is a rare exception to this rule—the result is average.  On one hand, I can actually taste pomegranate, which I like.  On the other, it is also somewhat of an artificial soda-esque quality to it, which kind of mars the experience.  My advice?  If you’d like a pomegranate energy drink, see if you can get your hands on a 50% juice formulation of Rockstar Juiced—Pomegranate.

KICK (INTENSITY)—8

The kick is what I’d call on the high end of average.  It’ll wake you up, it’ll give you a good case of the jitters, etc.

KICK (DURATION)—8

I got about 3½ hours of efficacy out of this.  Not bad, but nothing I’m terribly excited to report.

THE DRINK OVERALL—7.67

So…Rip It—A’tomic Pom isn’t bad, but other than the fact that it actually something like pomegranate I found it to be effective but terribly unexciting.  If you must, I suppose there’s nothing to be lost in trying it.  Just make sure you eat really well for the rest of the day—the quantity of high fructose corn syrup in the stuff kinda made me cringe.

WEBSITE: ripitenergy.com

KEYWORDS: Rip It A’tomic Pom energy drink review, bargain energy drink, pomegranate flavor

Review for Sambazon Amazon Energy

CAFFEINE CONTENT

80 mg

EASE IN ACQUISITION—8

I haven’t seen any Sambazon product of any sort outside of Wal-Mart, but given the near omnipresence of that chain, finding Sambazon Amazon Energy shouldn’t be a problem for most.

APPEARANCE/PRESENTATION—9

Looking at this drink, it’s pretty clear that this isn’t a drink meant for your everyday energy drinker—it seems to me to be put forth as a healthy alternative to energy drinks for a health nut that needs a boost (note the USDA Organic seal in the bottom left corner of the can…when have you ever seen that on an energy drink?).  In any case, it succeeds in putting forth this sort of image, mostly thanks to the Sambazon logo and the winning combination of excellent shades of purple and green.

TASTE—7

I’ve had açaí products before, and it’s really hard to place the taste—it’s almost a rich, earthy, somewhat berry-esque taste.  Anyway, I only got a hint of that out of Sambazon Amazon Energy—mostly it just tasted like the organic apple juice that Sambazon used as filler.  It’s not a bad drink per se, but with açaí berry on board, it still falls far short of its potential.

KICK (INTENSITY)—6

80 mg of caffeine in a 12 oz. can?  I expected a pretty mild kick out of this one, and that’s what I got.  This will in all likelihood be a turn-off for a seasoned energy drinker, but your average health nut is probably not looking for a serious buzz, so I imagine they’ll like this just fine.

KICK (DURATION)—5

It seems to me I got about an hour and a half of energy out of Sambazon Amazon Energy before I was ready for a nap.  Not impressive to me, but once again, I’m not exactly this drink’s target demographic…at least not as much as I should be.

THE DRINK OVERALL—6

While as a reviewer I feel compelled to review this drink, I’m not necessarily qualified to do so as is probably needed.  I’m an energy drinker—I like kick, and I like LOTS of it.  Sambazon Amazon Energy isn’t meant for that sort of person—rather, it’s more for the vegan mountain biker that needs more of a pick-me-up that the morning granola and almond milk can supply.  If you want to know if it works for that kind of person, you’re going to have to ask that kind of person.  As for myself—I found it to be just okay, even if it was nice to not have to feel terribly guilty about what I was drinking.

WEBSITE: sambazon.com

KEYWORDS: Sambazon energy drink review, Sambazon Amazon Energy, Sambazon All-Natural Amazon Energy, USDA organic, organic energy drink

Review for Rip It--Power

CAFFEINE CONTENT

200 mg

EASE IN ACQUISITION—8

You can find Rip It at just about any bargain store, so you can expect it to be about as common as bargain stores as a whole.  Out here, they're pretty abundant, as is Rip It.

APPEARANCE/PRESENTATION—6

I’m having a really hard time finding anything to say about the packaging of this drink.  It elicits virtually no response from me at all.  I mean, it’s a red/grey pseudo tribal sunburst design in the background with the logo in the foreground—that’s all there really is to it.  And while it doesn’t per se offend me, I care so little about it that I feel as though I have to assign a low score (okay, so I do like the color combination, so I gave an extra point).

TASTE—6

With an ambiguous name like “Power,” I was expecting a Red Bull clone.  I was mistaken—this is not a Red Bull clone; it tastes more like a really low-end carbonated white grape (?) drink.  The quality of the flavor was low enough that I had to sip my way along; if I were to have chugged the thing it might have disagreed with my stomach more than it did.

KICK (INTENSITY)—8

One thing you can say about Rip It—Power is that it works.  It’ll wake you up quick and give you enough of a boost to get going and stay going.

KICK (DURATION)—8

I got about 3½ hours of efficacy out of Rip It—Power before a slight crash.  Something I did like was that for most of the time I spent experiencing the drink’s effects, I was getting the full effect—it didn’t hit me hard and then leave me with something sufficient enough only to keep me awake.

THE DRINK OVERALL—7.33

Does it work?  Sure.  Do I recommend it?  Not really—Rip It—Power is another one of those staggeringly lackluster drinks that one could pass over in the energy drink aisle and not miss much.  But, if you’re reading this review, you’re probably investigating this drink specifically, so take the above and decide whether it’s worth your consumption.  As for myself, I think I’ll keep passing it over.

WEBSITE: ripitenergy.com

KEYWORDS: Rip It Power energy drink review, bargain energy drink

Review for Wired X 344

CAFFEINE CONTENT

344 mg

EASE IN ACQUISITION—4

You won’t find this one everywhere that Wired drinks are sold, but you will find it at some locations at which Wired drinks are sold.  Bottom line is that it’s more common than some, but less than others; just keep an eye out and you’re bound to spot it eventually.

APPEARANCE/PRESENTATION—8

Wired X 344 has the same layout as all the others, with the vertical logo and the decal-style flames, except with an orange background and aluminum-colored flames.  That isn’t something to get all enthused over, but I really like the catch phrase printed in large letters just to the right of the front of the can: “MASSIVE CAFFEINE, MASSIVE ENERGY”—that’s how Wired X 344 really got my attention.

TASTE—7

So from the label, I’m thinkin’ I’m going to get something orange flavored.  I pop open the can, take a taste, and…FRICK.  It’s a freakin’ Red Bull clone.  I’m all pumped because I’m about to drink one of the most caffeinated beverages I’m ever had, and this is how I have to start it?  Got to say I’m disappointed, and would have been even if they really managed to nail the flavor—which they didn’t; it tastes like they didn’t care what they wound up with as long as somebody who drank it could call it a Red Bull clone.

KICK (INTENSITY)—10+

Alright, so the taste had me disappointed, now let’s move on to the kick, which is what I’m really wanting to write about.  This stuff is hardcore—not painfully so, as was Spike Hardcore Energy, but holy frick, they weren’t kidding about the “massive energy” thing.  I can only remember being this wired twice before, after having reviewed 130 other drinks.  How do I even describe it?  Well, let me just say this—I felt so energized that I thought that if I were to pelvic thrust in the direction of the nearest mountain, it would explode.  Yeah.  That’s about what it was like.

KICK (DURATION)—10

I got 5 hours of solid energy out of Wired X 344 before I crashed—and when you crash, you crash hard—maybe as hard as the kick initially hits you.  It’s a blast while it lasts, but I felt pretty frayed when it was over.

THE DRINK OVERALL—9-ish

Yeah, I haven’t figured how to calculate an average when there’s only one energy category that scores a 10+, so let’s say somewhere above 9.  The taste is painfully uninspired, but this is a dang freaking fun kick to experience—while it lasts.  Take that into account, and drink with caution—this really isn’t a drink for pregnant ladies, individuals sensitive to caffeine, house cats, politicians, etc.

WEBSITE: getwired.com

KEYWORDS: Wired X 344 energy drink review, massive caffeine, massive energy, triple caffeine, Red Bull clone, traditional energy drink flavor

Review for Go Fast Light

CAFFEINE CONTENT

162 mg

EASE IN ACQUISITION—3

Less dispersed than the original, but still easier to come by than all the rest.  With just about any Go Fast drink, I’ve found that you’ll go for months between sightings, and then while passing through some random location you’ll suddenly see it/them just about everywhere.

APPEARANCE/PRESENTATION—8

I actually appreciate the aluminum exposure on this can—the silver, the black, and the diagonal logo actually work well to create a cleaner, less busy appearance than that of the original; the combination actually creates expectations of a drink that’s light on the calories but not the flavor (especially the flavor…this is a Go Fast beverage, after all, and whatever we’re in for, it will definitely be interesting).

TASTE—7

Go Fast Light is a very, very, very strange-tasting beverage.  It shares this characteristic with the original, but this is not a low-cal version of that drink (the can actually talks about delivering the effects of the discontinued Z17, which I’ve heard is strawberry-flavored).  The taste is completely different—an unusual strawberry-ish flavor is the first thing that hits you, and is followed up by a bitter, artificial sweetener/seltzer water taste.  That said, if you aren’t turned off by the sheer oddity of the whole experience (which happened to me when I drank the original), you might actually find yourself enjoying the full flavor and light texture of this drink.

KICK (INTENSITY)—8.5

Go Fast Light boasts a pretty solid kick; and it hits you pretty dang quick—or at least it seemed to be that way; I was sipping my way through the can, so it could have been the fact that I was just finishing it slowly.  At any rate, I was pretty buzzed by the time I was through with the can, and it was a nice, high-functioning level of energy to be at.  I actually have to say I really enjoyed this drink's effects.

KICK (DURATION)—8.5

This really wasn’t one to taper off quickly—that high-functioning level of energy I was talking about lasted about 3½ hours before any sort of tapering occurred, after which I got about another half hour of alertness before I was finally ready for an afternoon nap.

THE DRINK OVERALL—8

Final word: Go Fast Light is a strange-tasting drink with a pretty good kick.  If this is the sort of thing that appeals to you, Go Fast Light is something you'll definitely want to get your hands on.

WEBSITE: gofastsports.com

KEYWORDS: Go Fast Light energy drink review, low calorie, low carb