Wednesday, December 12, 2012

The Top 10 (Sort Of...)

For a while now, I’ve been meaning to publish a post about my personal favorite energy drinks.  When I first started this blog, I had been perfectly content to limit my regard to a list of these drinks at the right-hand side of the page, but for excelling in their capacity the way they do, I think they deserve a little more recognition than just that.  So here we are—the best of the best, and why I consider them to be such.

(Before I go into it, please note that this list is subject to change at any time.)


You ever have instances where you just need a slight boost?  Nothing too intense, just something to give you that little nudge past the threshold dividing that obnoxious groggy, cobweb-brained state from real alertness?  I know I do, and when faced with a situation like that, I reach for a bottle of Bawls—it delivers just the right amount of energy for that sort of thing.  Sure, it’s kind of limited to this application if you’re looking at this as a functional beverage, but in terms of filling that niche, nothing does a better job.

Coming in at #9 is a more recent addition (as of the time of posting) to the Monster Energy lineup, Cuba Lima.  As far as kick it’s on the high end of average for the line; what really wins me over, though, is the flavor—I like how it’s so much more different than what the rest of the energy drinking world offers, but the coke and lime combination seems to go together so naturally and deliciously that you would think someone would have done it sooner (I can’t actually taste the lime in Coke’s drink, so that doesn’t count—plus it scarcely has any caffeine).  For that, I find myself with a hankering for a Cuba Lima as much as any other energy drink.

This one I like mostly for the kick.  Don’t get me wrong, I do like the flavor—it’s just that the combination of the three fruits never stops tasting strange to me.  In terms of its effects however, this one is completely unmatched in terms of its sheer enjoyability—I’ve scarcely had as much fun drinking energy drinks as when I took down one of these for a headache, then decided to clean my late grandmother’s entire two-story house (we were visiting at the time) while blasting Blind Guardian as loud as my computer would allow me.  Of course, it’s strong enough for just about any energy-requiring situation you could imagine, but if I have lots of physical labor to perform and I want to take every semblance of drudgery out of it, I will reach for an Xdurance every freaking time.

7) Two-way tie between VISO DYNAMO and VISO VIGOR

I’ll be the first to admit that energy drinking isn’t the healthiest habit in the world—it’s the one flaw on my otherwise excellent record of healthy eating.  When I drink one of these two, however, I feel like I could all but erase that lone blemish and still get everything I expect out of an energy drink.  In addition to tasting fantastic, they deliver a substantial amount of energy and are 100% all natural—and, let me tell you, they make for one heck of a breakfast drink alongside some brown rice, bacon and farm-fresh eggs.

Yes, I do find ties on lists such as these as obnoxious as the next man—but if you’ve been through the Rehab line, I think you’d understand.  They are all enormously refreshing and splendid for their recovery purposes (mind when I say “recovery” I think intense exercise or something of the sort—but I think Monster formulated these as hangover recovery drinks); the only thing that decides which one I go for is my mood—some days I prefer nothing above Rojo Tea, on others nothing but Orangeade will do the trick, and on others still I have insane cravings for Lemonade and have a hard time thinking about drinking anything else.  When my preferences are that sporadic, how the heck am I supposed to pin down just one to go on my list?

To make note of my failure to include Rehab—Green Tea and Rehab—Protean with the other three—I just don’t like them nearly as much.  I’m not wild about the dry texture of Green Tea (if it weren’t for that it would be there for sure), and Protean is just so dang strange that I can never really decide whether I like it or not.  These two will perform just as well, but by my estimation the other three provide for a vastly more pleasant drinking experience.

Don’t have a lot to say here except that these are wonderfully well-rounded energy drinks—they taste great and kick great and do all that without calories.  Enough said here, I think.


I freaking love Spider Energy drinks.  They have almost everything going for them—they taste just like energy drinks should, they kick just like energy drinks should, they look just like energy drinks should, and do all this at only 99 cents a can.  Now, I have to make note that if I had to pick between one or the other, I’d have to go with Lighter Spider, just because I like the flavor a bit more—but the difference isn’t great enough that I’d even consider not putting Spider on the list.

Kronik Energy—Blue Citrus ranks so highly on the list just because I haven’t been able to find anything else quite like it.  I’m quite fond of it’s unique grapefruit taste, but what really takes the cake is the kick—this is the first energy drink I’ve had that really seems to embody the term “functional beverage.”  It didn’t get me especially wired, but it seemed to facilitate every single little thing I did—almost as though I was at just the right level of energy for everything I needed to do.  It’s the sort of thing I’d love to experience on a regular basis, but alas—it is no longer sold nearby.

No one was more disappointed than me when Monster Energy—Heavy Metal was discontinued—though given how many people absolutely hated it, I probably shouldn’t be all that surprised.  As for myself, however, I thought it was a fantastic energy drink—I loved the margarita-inspired flavor (or at least what I’ve been told was margarita-inspired), and I loved how it kicked so hard for so long…it was the sort of boost that automatically pops into your head when someone around you says “energy drink.”  Even today it pops up at Big Lots from time to time, but gets bought up pretty quick—so grab it while you can; it’s worth experiencing at least once.

Coming in at the #1 spot(s) are two energy drinks that have absolutely nothing in common, except for the fact that I really cannot for the life of me decide which I like more—they are both the best at what they do, but do very different things.  Make sense?  No?  Alright, let me see if I can elaborate: on one hand, you have Rockstar Zero Carb—an almost ubiquitous, zero calorie energy beverage that comes with an unbelievably delicious wild berry flavor and in two sizes, which I have dubbed “Extra Strength” and “Freaking INSANE!”.  If you want energy, you cannot go wrong by going with Rockstar Zero Carb.  On the other, you have Venom Energy—Death Adder.  This doesn’t have a lot going for it health wise, but it is unbelievably delicious and has the best function-oriented kick I’ve ever had, bar none.  You want to be at the top of your game?  You cannot go wrong by going with Venom Energy—Death Adder.

See?  Two different drinks, equally great at what they do.  I’ve tried to bump one down—I just can’t.  In any case, these two are in my mind the best energy drinks around—which I go for just depends on whether I want to be wired to an extreme degree or if I need serious functional energy.


  1. Replies
    1. I was going to put NOS on there, actually (the list needs an update); the recent decision to decrease in the caffeine content, however, has changed my mind on the matter.


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