Review for Duff

I paid $3.75 for this drink.

I suppose it serves me right—this is, after all, a novelty item, and I did purchase it at the local mall (Hot Topic, to be precise).  This review, however, assesses it as an energy drink, rather than as a collector’s item; so if it seems at any point that I’m being overly critical or nitpicky, I hope the reader will understand.

CAFFEINE CONTENT

110 mg

EASE IN ACQUISITION—8

The only place I’ve seen this at local Hot Topic stores, though others I know report that it is also sold at Spencer’s.  Both of these stores are common enough, so if you’re really dying to get your hand on a Duff, it shouldn’t be too hard to do.

APPEARANCE/PRESENTATION—7

Simpsons nuts will doubtless go ballistic over the can—I’m just going to sit here and try and figure out why in the world they decided to take a fictional beer named “Duff” of all things and turn it into an energy drink.

TASTE—6

No, it doesn’t taste like beer—at least I don’t think it does; I’ve never drank beer, but it smells a heck of a lot nicer than a guy who’s downed enough beer to intoxicate a horse.  It’s an orange-flavored drink, not nearly as good as Spider Energy, but still quite a bit more palpable than an orange soda like Fanta.  Think Metamucil, except a little more syrupy, and without the fiber.

KICK (INTENSITY)—5

Duff’s kick is lackluster enough that I can almost say it lives up to the name.  Ordinarily, I’d say “meh, it’s only got 110 mg of caffeine; I’ll let that slide,” but Golazo energy drinks have 100 mg, and still deliver the kick at least as well as most drinks with 160 mg or more—and one would never wind up paying more than $1.75 for a single can, and they have an orange drink that actually tastes good, AND said orange drink doesn’t have nearly as many calories OR HIGH-FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP!  If I’m paying $3.75 for a can, company that puts out this drink, don’t you think you can afford to pay for a decent batch of pharmaceutical-grade caffeine that would make this “energy” drink actually WORK?!?

KICK (DURATION)—5

Effects come and go over the course of an hour and a half.

THE DRINK OVERALL—5.33

99% of people who review this blog will probably think I’m completely missing the point on this drink.  I don’t think that one should read all that much into it—I’m just grumpy because I was willing to pay for and review a $3.75 energy drink that didn’t taste all that great and didn’t really work.  Collectors—enjoy having a can/6-pack of Duff up for display on your shelf; I’m sure it will look great there.  But, in the event that you decide to drink one, don’t expect much.

WEBSITE: I don’t think there is one.

KEYWORDS: Duff energy drink review, Simpsons energy drink, novelty energy drink

Review for AZ Energy Low Carb

CAFFEINE CONTENT

200 mg

EASE IN ACQUISITION—4

Arizona drinks are, for all intents and purposes, ubiquitous—which makes the fact that I’ve only seen these drinks at Dollar Tree seem strange.  See if you can find it there; I’ll be interested in seeing if the drink is typical of every Dollar Tree store or if it’s just carried at the one near to where I live.

APPEARANCE/PRESENTATION—8

AZ Energy Low Carb looks like the negative of a photo of the original—white and gold crackle in the background, black ice in the lower foreground, and a blinged-out AZ logo up front.  Nice to look upon, but the complaint expounded upon in my review of the original applies—the light blue of the low carb version and the green of the original are too reminiscent of Monster’s style to not put across the erroneous impression that these are Monster clones, which are as common as anything else on the market and are becoming increasingly tiresome to drink.

TASTE—7

There’s really nothing to say here that I didn’t say in my review of the original.  The low-carb version has the same strange flavor (guarana up front, followed up by complex fruit blend), and the same unique nature that makes this a ‘love it or hate it’ sort of drink.

KICK (INTENSITY)—9

Blessedly, you can count on as serious a kick as delivered by the original—minus, perhaps, some degree of jitters due to the lack of sugar.  Regardless, it’s got enough of a jolt to really wake you up and get you going for just about any energy-requiring situation.

KICK (DURATION)—9

Four hours of consistent energy, no crash.

THE DRINK OVERALL—8.33

AZ Energy Low Carb is, for all intents and purposes, indistinguishable from the original AZ Energy—and it naturally follows that the same council I gave in that review applies here.  I’m going to offer no quality judgment on the flavor so as to encourage readers to try it out and decide for themselves—but I will say that the impressive kick alone makes it worth that one shot, even if it turns out they really don’t like it.  Happy drinking!

WEBSITE: drinkarizona.com

KEYWORDS: AZ Energy Low Carb energy drink review, Arizona Low Carb energy drink review, low carb, low calorie, low sugar, diet

Review for AZ Energy

CAFFEINE CONTENT

200 mg

EASE IN ACQUISITION—4?

I’m going to give AZ Energy the benefit of the doubt and classify it as “bothersome” to find rather than “difficult”—I found it at a Dollar Tree store near where I live, and I’m not certain whether it’s a staple there or if it’s something that you find there only on occasion (Big Lots style).

APPEARANCE/PRESENTATION—8

I’ve never looked at an energy drink can and thought “bling” before, but that about sums it up for AZ Energy—this thing has the look of a dance club, with black and gold crackle in the background, ice in the lower foreground, and a bejeweled, graffiti-style logo front and center.  I will say this much about it—it doesn’t look like it belongs at a Dollar Tree store.

I do have one complaint about it, however, and it’s enough of a problem in my mind that I’m willing to dedicate a paragraph to it.  I bought this energy drink and its low-carb counterpart together, and when I took a good look at them, I realized something—the logo of the original is a sort of poison green, and the logo of the low-carb version is light blue.  If that sounds familiar to you, it’s because it’s the exact same thing Monster does with their original and low-carb drinks.  This might not be a problem for some, but to me, it does send out the idea that Arizona’s cranked out a couple of Monster imitators—which I’ve had in quantities enough that it killed a lot of the excitement I had at finding these two drinks.

TASTE—7

AZ Energy is not a bad energy drink—but it is a very, very, very unusual one.  When you pop open the can, you 1) learn that it’s not a Monster clone, and 2) get a curious homogeny of fruit smells.  When you drink it, you get a curious guarana taste, followed up by a curious homogeny of fruit flavors to go along with the curious homogeny of fruit smells.

Chances are this will turn out to be either your favorite or most hated energy drink.  Honestly, I’m still hanging in limbo with regards to it—I should probably pick up another can of each and see what I think the second time around.  In any case, I’m going to refrain from further commentary as far as judgment is concerned.  You’re just going to have to try this one for yourself.

KICK (INTENSITY)—9

Even if I’m kind of iffy on the flavor, I’m much more certain on my feelings for the kick.  This is a classic energy drink buzz—i.e. the sort of archetypal phenomenon you hope for when you pick up a new energy drink.  It’s not the sort of thing that’s all that complex or difficult to describe.  It’s just a straight-up caffeine buzz, and was a lovely surprise from a drink that had me feeling apprehensive from the beginning.

KICK (DURATION)—9

Last cool thing to mention with regards to the kick is the longevity—AZ Energy’s effects don’t taper off much at all over the course of its duration; you’re feeling it as much after four hours as you did fifteen minutes after you finished it.  After the fact, the tapering off is a little sharp, but not so steep that it ends in a discernable crash.

THE DRINK OVERALL—8.33

Just try this drink.  That’s all I need to say.  If you can find it, try it.  Love it, or hate it, or whatever.  But do at least try it.  Like I said, this may very well turn out to be your favorite energy drink.  But if not…well, at least you have a heck of a kick to look forward to, assuming that you finish the can.

WEBSITE: drinkarizona.com

KEYWORDS: AZ Energy drink review, Arizona energy drink review, fruit juice, 5% juice

Review for Xenergy Xtreme Frostberry Blast

CAFFEINE CONTENT

200 mg

EASE IN ACQUISITION—2

Pretty tough to come by, unless you live in an area with a Rocket Mart—those here in the Tri-Cities area of Washington seem to have it in stock fairly regularly.

APPEARANCE/PRESENTATION—8 (WITH BUTT-UGLY GUY); 9 (WITHOUT BUTT-UGLY GUY)

I love the simplicity of the Xenergy Xtreme can design, with the sleek black background and the bicolored spheres in the foreground.  In the case of Frostberry Blast, the ice blue colors of the spheres are especially effective and give the can the potential to be exceptionally striking—only problem is the picture of Wanderlei “The Axe Murderer” Silvia, which looks bizarrely out of place and ruins the whole effect.  I know that Xyience is the official energy drink of the UFC, but there has to be a better way of supporting the organization than defacing the drinks with pictures of butt-ugly fighters that would probably kick my trash if they found out I called them “butt-ugly.”  NOTE: Finally got a can without Silvia on it—doesn't it look so much nicer?

TASTE—10

To star off, I don’t have a clue what the heck a ‘frostberry’ is, so I really didn’t know what I was going to get—vague suspicion that it would be berry-oriented aside.  Popping the top, I got a distinct blue raspberry smell, and taking a swig, I found it to be the most palpable blue raspberry drink I’ve ever had.  The best thing about it is that it tastes real—which is something I’ve come to expect of Xenergy beverages, but have rarely been able to appreciate to this extent.  Beyond that, the only elaboration I believe necessary is to say that this is a fairly sour beverage, but not to the extent of being overwhelming—only pleasant.

KICK (INTENSITY)—9.5

This is something I’d be okay with drinking regularly just for the flavor—but Frostberry Blast has the added bonus of being a blessedly functional beverage.  So not only are you getting something that tastes delicious, you’re getting something that tastes delicious and delivers a seriously formidable blast of energy—WOO!

KICK (DURATION)—10

After tasting and performing so well up to this point, it would be a shame if Frostberry Blast wore off prematurely.   It doesn’t—it delivers a solid five hours of spectacular energy, followed by a slow, mellow tapering off with no crash.

THE DRINK OVERALL—9.83

Xenergy Xtreme Frostberry Blast has earned the right to be called one of Xyience’s best beverage, and given the quality of the line, this is exuberant praise indeed.  If you’re looking for an all-around superior energy drink, make it a point to buy yourself a case of Frostberry Blast

WEBSITE: www.xyience.com/index.cfm?fa=shop.beverages

KEYWORDS: Xenergy Xtreme Frostberry Blast review, authentic taste, zero carbs, zero calorie, zero sugar, low carb, low calorie

Review for Lighter Spider Energy--Widow Maker

CAFFEINE CONTENT

240 mg

EASE IN ACQUISITION—2

Given the nature of the Spider Energy line, I would expect to see gas stations, grocery chains, etc. positively inundated with their beverages.  Not so, regrettably—unless you plan on buying them by the case online (which is not a bad idea, incidentally), keep your fingers crossed, because it’s going to be a while before you find them.

APPEARANCE/PRESENTATION—8.5

Lighter Spider—Widow Maker is a perfect example of the fact that pink can be used with as much of a hardcore effect as any other color—just look at the can here and try to refute that.  That being said, it does have a look about it that suggests that it’s geared towards females—though I don’t know if that’s what they intended.  Regardless of whether it was or not, it does suggest that the company recognizes it that females betimes need a drink that delivers serious energy, and that in the event of such a need they deserve to have it met.  Also worthy of note is that the drink is figure-watcher friendly, having no sugar.

TASTE—8

It wouldn’t have surprised me to have discovered that the flavor of Lighter Spider Energy—Widow Maker were different than that of the original Widow Maker, kind of in the same way Lighter Spider differed from the original Spider.  It was actually kind of surprised, however, not only to find that it was the same flavor—pomegranate and açaí—but that it was indistinguishable from the other.

KICK (INTENSITY)—9

What you get from Lighter Spider Energy—Widow Maker is about the same as what you get from others of the line—best described as a formidable blast of energy.  The thing I like is that it’s the sort of kick that really helps you get things done, and doesn’t waste its effects on having you bouncing off the walls—see reviews of other spider beverages if additional clarification is desired.

KICK (DURATION)—10

Five hours, no crash!

THE DRINK OVERALL—9

As I mentioned in my review of the original Widow Maker, I still prefer the tastes of Spider Energy and Lighter Spider Energy, but I wouldn’t dream of passing up an opportunity to grab a can of Lighter Spider Energy—Widow Maker or two, and would be perfectly happy to make it a staple if it became more readily available near where I live.  It’s an excellent energy drink, and more than worthy of any energy drinker’s consideration.

WEBSITE: spiderenergy.com

KEYWORDS: Lighter Spider Energy—Widow Maker energy drink review, bargain energy drink, zero carb, zero calorie, zero sugar, low carb, low calorie

Review for Spider Energy--Widow Maker

CAFFEINE CONTENT

240 mg

EASE IN ACQUISITION—2

I’ve found that this (relatively) recent addition to the Spider line is as common as the rest—though unfortunately, the ‘rest’ aren’t so common, either.

APPEARANCE/PRESENTATION—8.5

As I have stated at length in past reviews, I really like the Spider motif—I mean, how can I not?  I don’t think I’m going to repeat my lengthy analysis just to avoid redundancy, but I will say I don’t like the maroon color used for the spider on this can—doesn’t jive with the hardcore look of the design itself.

TASTE—8

It took me a while to figure out what exactly it was I was drinking when I started on Widow Maker—it wasn’t bad by any stretch of the imagination, but it was fairly…ambiguous.  About halfway through the can, I recognized it—pomegranate, with nuances of açaí.  It’s quite pleasant to be sure, but doesn’t stir up the strong enthusiasm that both Spider Energy and Lighter Spider did.

KICK (INTENSITY)—9

Even though I wasn’t terribly wowed by the flavor of Widow Maker, it’s very hard not to get enthusiastic when it comes to the kick—the challenge is stating anew what I’ve already said twice in a row now, but differently enough that the fervor is adequately communicated.  It suffices me to say that in terms of kick this is a Spider beverage to the core—in addition to the blasting away of any sort of residual fatigue, Widow Maker delivers a nigh unmatched degree of functional capacity.  There were jitters, also, but…they were smooth jitters, not the obnoxious, bounce-off-the-wall-and-annoy-the-everliving-crap-out-of-everyone-else sort.

KICK (DURATION)—10

Five hours of solid energy, no crash.

THE DRINK OVERALL—9

I’ll be sticking to Spider Energy and Lighter Spider just because I prefer the flavor, but I would still not pass up an opportunity to drink Widow Maker, and consider it a wholly worthy addition to a spectacular energy drink line.  And…did I mention it’s only 99 cents for all that?

WEBSITE: spiderenergy.com

KEYWORDS: Spider Energy Widow Maker energy drink review, bargain energy drink, high caffeine